Harney, give me that turkey leg. The glistening, greasy leg of a well-cooked turkey, the meat juice literally sweating out of its turkey pores! Yea, GOD IS GOOD. The dripping gravy sensuously slathered across the golden brown skin of the turkey, a translucent shimmer of oil flitting across its surface, tiny bubbles, crystal spheres in the gravy… I gaze deep into its depths and scrying like Nostradamus I see the face of Jesus, he looks out upon me from the gravy world he inhabits, where there is no fear or death, only the warm, womb-like floating-in-gravy-forever sensation of eternity. Mmmmmmandthecranberrysauce…

I chant these sacred words: cranberra sauce, cranberra sauce. Nourishing fruit of life, a jellied preparation which trembles as the earth breathes, each motion of each supplicant sending shivers of delight through the sliced medallion cranberry lenses. I look upon you all through these lenses and see my cranberry family, here at the table, as we prepare to transubstantiate this turkey and wine into that which gives us life, power… the strength of A THOUSAND TURKEYS.

And lest we forget, God has GIVEN US STUFFING AS WELL. Through his most beloved disciple, Abraham Stouffer, he communicated the secret potency resultant in the alchemical combination of breadcrumbs with Lipton’s Onion Soup Mix. Great and powerful Lord who doth preside over us in heaven, we say unto thee: YUMMY! YUMMY! AMEN.